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Tonight was another great night with Kip. He's in the middle of a board, but is handling it well. He performed best out of all the applicants today. That doesn't surprise me. The less-good-news news of today is that (1) the DS who won DS of the year this year had only been a DS for 6 months (after a big run around, Kip was eventually pulled by the head Ft. Sill guy as a candidate because he didnt have 1+ year(s) experience yet) and (2) he has to go to another board on July 8th, thus once more pushing back our plans to go to NY. Rargh. But, again, on the plus side our relationship has never been better. And, surprisingly enough, I feel close and connected to him even without having sex (which is good, because he's too busy/stressed/studying to take part in that).
I have been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I am terrified to die, and I worry about ...like, if I ever totally hurt someone through the things I did/said. I have been trying so hard to be nice and kind and considerate. I don't think anyone could say I'm not compassionate, or at least I hope they couldn't, but I know that I was a nightmare to date for the longest time. I tried so hard to be nice to Bobby's family, and they never really accepted me which turned out to be fine, but I just wonder if I hurt anyone of them. It's easy to say they hurt me, but I'm not even sure they meant to and if I hurt them, did I have it coming? What about everyone else I've dated and turned into a psycho on? I don't think I was ever really MEAN to anyone. Well, that's not true - My sisters and I had fights a lot and I was mean to Becca and I was mean to my father too, not that I think he didn't deserve it.
I try to hope that I've done more good than bad. But what if I'm just fooling myself? What if I did something really bad at some point and I don't even realize it? I think I'm often selfish with my feelings and I get overwhelmed with my emotions. Do I take that out on people? Like, am I selfish in my communications? Am I mean? What if there are things I can do to help people and I'm not doing them, whether I mean to not do them or not?
Bobby once tried to apologize and he said he missed me as a friend. And I felt so happy, because I didn't miss him and then he could be a fraction of how sad I was, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I was so miserable with him. There were so many times I cried planning our wedding, because nothing felt right and I was scared and unhappy but I had put so much into this plan that I wanted to make work. And I didn't miss being his friend at all. And I didn't have to be that blunt. I could have just been like, you know, our lives are moving in different directions. I didn't have to say, you know, we were never friends to begin with and I don't miss you and stuff. I could have at least been nice about it.
And that's just one example in, what I'm sure is, an unending list of me choosing to feel revenge over anything else. I wanted to get the upper hand, I wanted to get the last shot in, I wanted to make him at least a little sad. He ruined my 'plan', so I wanted him to be sad. And I didn't even WANT that plan, but I had planned it. Is there anything more pathetic?
Kip is such a good person. He hasn't always been the most emotionally available person, or prone to sugarcoating things, or really overflowing with naive compassion. He doesn't let people take advantage of him (except apparently the people who run the boards) and he may not always say things in the nicest manner, but you always know he's being straight with you. I feel like, with me, it's a case of I'll be meaner than I need to be if that will make me feel better and more independent.
I feel like people can look at the two of us, and be like what in the HELL is he doing with HER? He's all confident but humble and smart and articulate. She's all spazzy and clumsy and says dumb things and can be snippy. OHHH, perhaps he's one of those guys who got blindsided by who knows what and eventually they will divorce and he will become all bitter and jaded because of his experience with her, and he'll turn into a classic nice-guy-got-screwed statistic.
Don't get me wrong, with Kip I've come a long way. I'm much more independent, I care just slightly less about whether or not I say the exact right thing in crowds and I'm, albeit slightly, less emotional. I don't think anyone can look back on their lives and say...woah. she really fucked me up. But does anyone ever look back on me and say....eh. she wasn't very nice and I didn't enjoy any experience with her ever and she was a stupid person.
Sigh.
This is an incredibly lame entry. But I can't sleep, so....lameness.
Oh! Hey, here's something awesome that Jessie called to tell me about tonight - NBC let go of scrubs after season 7. SOOOO sad, no more scrubs. Right?
WRONG!
ABC picked up scrubs for season 8.
Woopah!
Except that just reminds me of the time I said something really insensitive to Jessie and then we didn't talk for four months, and we have since made up (ok, we made up like 4 years ago), but then I just think of every other time I've said something mean/insensitive and the lame entry completes it's lame cycle of lameness.
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